Help Needed

The Internet course for the real estate exam proved to not work for me....I have decided to move into a classroom setting for the month of April. This will be good for me because I think with interaction and having an actual teacher, instead of just a screen and myself, I will actually learn . The only thing that scares me is that I will be going Monday-Friday from 9-4, leaving not much time at all for work. I am taking a leap of faith, hoping that I can meet all my financial responsibilities for the month.

But for now, I have two weeks before April 2nd when I begin and I am going to full fledged dig into my art work. I am always saying, "well, after this...." or "when I have more time..." I will begin. So faced with the almost free time and with not much else to do, I am going to do all the creating that I can.

I have been thinking lately how great it would be to post a help needed ad in the paper as follows:

Help needed. Someone to invest in aspiring artist. Creative soul wanting to live an enriched life. Need time to create instead of worrying with how to pay for life. Can someone please pay my bills for a year? Leaving me the time to nurture my inner child. Play. Travel. Write. Create. Collage. Find myself. Write a book. Help me live a thriving life. Help me take a leap of faith.

Wouldn't that be great? Someone to take over on the financial end of things, leaving time to plant my garden, work on my art journal, go to a meditation retreat in Brazil....and the list goes on.

Spring Break

Today turned into a mini spring break for me, as my first appointment of the day never showed at Starbucks this morning. I sat and had my green tea alone and wrote my morning pages. Next stop was this very yummy restaurant downtown, The Flying Biscuit, with an old friend. We ordered cranberry mimosas and talked about travelling all over. We both have such a strong desire to meet new people and I especially love to find out what drives people to achieve their heart's desire.

On the way I saw this adorable tree decorated for no special reason...It reminded me how noticing everything, letting things really sink in, you actually realize love is mixed up in all of it. Like gold in a pan of sand, if you practice sifting, sorting, paying attention, you will find it.

Distractions

I am getting very good at finding all kinds of distractions to keep me from this studying...Just today besides the reading of blogs, looking at pictures on myspace, being on im, working (sort of), I made post-it note art and took pictures of it. And while I reading about a detox tea my friend just bought, I found this quote:

'We traverse the world in search of happiness...yet a contented mind brings happiness to all." Horace

Isn't that so true? In all the little things, if we pay close attention we can find happiness. I really want to pay close attention to all the tiny details in my life and really asorb what is going on in the moment. Paying close attention to the lessons in The Artist's Way book, taking the time to enojy a walk outside, really letting what is going on in my relationship affect me and take it all slowly. Trying to be present for all the beautiful moments in life.

Living Without Fear

Look....how fun. He's actually waiting to catch a grape in his mouth. This little one was my first taste of children, my first experience being with a child every day. And, I fell in love. Deeper than I ever fallen. It's the lack of fear they have. You are the adult, and you make sure they feel secure, so they can play all day.......

Fear keeps me in places I know I should not be anymore. Fear keeps me from living my dreams. It keeps me blocked and tonight I want to think about all my dreams.

Dreaming of travels to Spain, Morocco, Greece...owning a boutique, learning Spanish, taking a workshop with Sark and Sabrina Ward Harrison, taking a metal smith class, having my own family, taking a ballet class, writing a book for young girls on how to follow their dreams, having my own gallery show...

The list goes on and maybe the path I am on is teaching me to live some of my own dreams before I have my own little one to teach them to live their dreams.

A Night Alone

My little star candle lamp burning bright while I write this post...two very odd things about this night for me; I am alone and it's very late at night. I have always been a night person, my creativity at full speed in the wee hours of the night, on into the morning. Feeling like I am the only one awake at some late hour, able to think in the quiet. Only, there has always been someone in the bed, a room or two away. Not tonight.

Tonight I am alone. I thought that I might go to bed and wake up early, refreshed, and ready to start the day. But sleep didn't come easily, and my head was spinning with thoughts. So, I came in my studio, lit my candles and started to write.

I am in my second week (probably what should actually be my third...) of The Artist's Way and today I began reading about crazymakers. Described as people in your life who distract from the uncovering of your true and authentic creative self by distracting with their drama. When I read about blocked creative souls and how we will do anything to remain blocked...including staying in a life that doesn't fit. I felt that I am guilty of using other people to remain blocked. Guilty of putting their needs first, so that I won't have to put my creative dream first.

But tonight, I feel that I have a choice. I get to stand up for me and play an active role in my life. Define myself and love myself. If only, I can survive the nights alone. If only, I can create my own safe place where I feel loved. By me.