Dear Universe

a quote from my natal chart that i had done in spain by the most intuitive, amazing astrologist:

'it may take time for you to decide what goals to aim for and in which direction you want your life to go.'

she also says, 'having experienced your Saturn return this year, you will feel you have gone through a great deal of hardship which has matured you and made you realize that you, and only you, are responsible for your own happiness and success-however you define it. Therefore, you may only just be beginning to work out what you really want your life to mean and how to go about it.

the 6 days we've had this new year have had me waking up every morning wondering what it is that i am meant to do. what is my path? can i find my zen doing what i am doing in the meantime and pray that i am moving in the right direction?

i know there is no right and wrong. i know that my job does not define me. but at the same time, i see people who are in absolute LOVE with what they do, and i am SO ready to be in that same place.

i want to wake up bursting with energy, ready to live out each day with excitement and passion.

dear universe, please plant a seed in me.

please allow me to be open to all possibilities

please send me a dream

send me a message

show me the way

to doing what i love and giving it back in the form of service.

release the grief. embrace the play

Jan 1st, 2009.

i put my clothes on for the first time this morning and they hugged my curves. the lines didn't feel as sharp, my belly full from the first meal of the new year. my love had prepared an omelet that was pure perfection and delight to my body. i feel recommitted to eating healthy. nourishing my body.

my first step in self love.

life on the edge

"Live always at the edge of mystery--the boundary of the unknown."
J. Robert Oppenheimer

i read this quote in Keri Smith's new interview (which is AMAZING!). I find it appropriate to how i feel right now.

i've never been quite comfortable at the edge of the unknown. i'm pretty sure the universe loves for me to remain here though...all in the hopes that my heart will ring louder and truer than my fears.

it's not always easy.
to not know.
i'd like a little list each day with who.what.when.where and how.
please and thank you.
even though i find that when i don't know
and it's not planned
i enjoy it more.
but my brain is hard to convince
and my heart is slow to heal.
and plans can mask all the fears of what to do with my down time
how to fill my life
with what i love
for me.

so i'm really trying to remain open to all possibilities.
ready to receive what the universe has in store.
remaining at the edge of uncertainty.
even if my footing isn't always steady and sure.

a candle for you.

an alter space i created in our room last night

the meditation room at Meg's

when i was in spain one of the things that had me grinning every morning was after our meditation, we would open our eyes to see tiny rainbows all over the white walls. sparkling and shinning around the bright candles. beckoning me to believe in the power of beauty.

meg also put a lovely table covered with pretty fabric in my room to create an alter. i put pictures of my dad at different stages in his life, so i could hold those images close to my heart and really let them sink in. every night i would light the candles and incense on the alter and write a short entry in a journal to him. sometimes i would just spill my heart out. sometimes i would ask for a sign (which he kindly gave). it was so comforting not to hide how i was feeling about him, but instead embrace each emotion as it came up.

i've only been back home since sunday...and bringing back all the goodness i learned felt challenging at first as i easily settled into old patterns. on tuesday though, the universe gave me another little push. my hours at work have been cut back to 20 a week, with the economy as it is, there is just not enough to do in december. so... i was left with yesterday to contemplate how i am going to go about this. will i let fear in and start panicking? or can i feel the fear as i do any other emotion and then go on anyway?

yes i can. and i did.

i started the day by catching up with lovely friends. and i ended the day with cleaning our home, making room for new energy to come in. really feeling my hands do the work and enjoying the pleasure that each clean surface or piece of clothing brought me. being present.

at the end of the night i set up my own little alter space in our room. i painted a rock for a very special little baby and as i lit the candles i said a prayer for him, for his mother, and that he will find his way home so soon.

sweet william brought his own candle to the alter space and lit one too.

i woke up this morning to a warm, clean, cozy space and i felt rejuvenated.

that's a happy thing!

at peace

it's been hard for me to put into words how wonderful this journey was.
so for now, a few pictures.