Creating a Life for One

"If you want to work on your art, work on your life."

Chekhov

I think part of the reason I married and divorced so young was that I just wanted someone to pick me up and carry me. Carry my weight and share a life. But it fell apart and I was left with just me to worry with. Only I didn't take the time to take care of me. I jumped straight into a relationship and started planning my life as another boy's other half. When that fell apart I found myself entwined with another boy and his life, including his son. My last relationship that just ended was the first time while dating someone that I really had to face myself. Even then, I would take every chance I had to think about his needs and wants, putting mine to the side. Of course, this kind of giving until I have nothing left to give was not healthy for either of us. My jumping from boy to boy trying to find myself and create a life only left me more alone than ever. I didn't feel like I even knew myself enough to trust what I was feeling or to stand up for myself.

I feel like sometimes I never take a minute alone to take care of my body by making a fresh meal or doing my nails. I don't take enough time to fill my mind, unload my heart, or unleash my creativity. This for me, leads to consumption and overspending. I don't take the time to fill up the inside so I try to fill that gap with things that only do the trick for a short time.

So, this weekend I move. Tomorrow I get the keys to my very own place and Friday my mom comes up to help me get settled.

I am going to establish my own roots, create a sacred place to rest my soul. Light candles, play beautiful music, burn incense, create art, dress up in my clothes, take long baths...

I am going to explore the streets around where I live.

I am going to take it all in so I can let it all out onto the canvas.

Brave and Lovely

i am here.

and i have naturally slowed down.

so that i won't miss a minute of it.

the move was not without a day that i was so sad and fearful that i drove back to atlanta. i talked into the wee hours with this sweet dear friend and had lunch with this one until i felt brave enough to come back and really try this.

for the first time ever i am not just a passive person floating along in a vague, misdirected life. i have made an active choice to move here.

i love the house i am staying at until i get my apartment. i am enchanted by my roommates and how accepting they are. i love that i have a connection with a new girlfriend here. i love that everyone in the house contributes and each dinner is slowly made and enjoyed over easy flowing conversations. i love the little organic shop outside my work and the views that make me swoon. i love that i have met the nicest boy ever. i feel like we have met on a soul level. a natural connection.

so much more to tell. so much more inside me. but for now i am just letting the thoughts and feelings swirl inside my head and my heart.

Moving Time

"this is a time of liminality for me, of passage from one part of my life to another, when I am venturing out beyond "my know world", heeding a call to live my life more authentically even as it puts me in conflict and uncertainty." jean shinoda bolen

i am tearing up at everything.

i am feeling so emotional.

there is this pain in my shoulder where i carry my stress that needs to be worked on.

i feel like i should take back my old job, stay to save more money, get back with my ex-boyfriend, and get back my old life.

not because i felt so happy with it.

but because i was used to the comfort of knowing what every day would be like. and almost used to the drama and sadness that comes with being with someone who does not fit you.

and i can't even find the words for the sadness that is weighing on my heart when i think of leaving these girls. not physically being here for all the ups and downs. all the times that the day just wears on you and seeing your best friend for a walk and a glass of wine after work has you feeling like everything makes sense again. being a part of their son's lives through pictures sent by email instead of hearing their tiny sweet voices.

i am full of doubt and fears and all this talk of how i am going to be positive and embrace the change feels silly now.

i am scared.

i do know that all that is true and good and real about my life here is not going to just vanish. i just can't help but to mourn all that i am leaving.

The Time Came

"....and the time came when the risk it took to remain in a tightly closed bud became infinitely more painful than the risk it took to blossom." ~anais nin~