Absorbing Life

I felt like after yesterday and feeling so down I would download my Thanksgiving pictures and look at all the blessings in my life. I have been feeling very adventuresome lately, not in the studio, but with trying new things. Maybe I need this time to absorb some fun and goodness....to play.

Being Kind To Me

when the self doubt starts creeping in i sometimes feel paralyzed.

i spend hours on the computer looking at other people's art work, and i don't just appreciate the beauty. i criticize my own talent. or lack there of.

the weight of it all feels so real. and painful.

i know i should take out my paint brush and my canvas and just start. but i worry it will be ugly.

i feel like a scared little girl who wants someone to come along and guide me.

i know, deep down, it's not about how much beauty my creations hold. it's not a competition. i am creating from my heart and i must have a purpose. i hope i do.

i just want for my work, what i create, to bring happiness to people. to show them love grows deep and is in everything.

i feel a huge part of my move here was to take time to create art.

instead, i am so scared i have not even pulled the chair up to my art table.

do i make collages? do i design cards? should i take a painting lesson? will he think my work is ugly and hers is so pretty?

and it's sad, really, to be sitting here in all this self doubt and fear.

and i don't mean to.

it's just sometimes i can't find the beginning point. i can't take that first step.

i start thinking, oh i can never write a novel. i can't go back to school for art or take lessons, i am too old or too busy or too poor. and i am only 28!

i know you can reinvent yourself at any age, i hear the advice i give to others. i know it's not important that i am this amazing artist, but that i love what i do. that i remain playful, stay in love with myself and what i create.

i would never doubt my friends the way i doubt myself. i would never use unkind words to beat down their dreams. i should be using those same soft, heartfelt words that i use with my friends in my own inner dialogue.

so i will go home today and light candles. meditate. and begin.

Giving Thanks...

i would like to say that i have had time in my studio to create beautiful handmade cards to send to all the lovelies in my life...but i have not. i have finished the unpacking only to make room to entertain friends up for the weekend. i have been spending time walking my new streets, learning my way around town, checking out the boutiques, meeting the owners in hopes i can catch a glimpse into their world and how they got started. feeling mostly contemplative and not really knowing what to start with first creatively....

so....i wanted to be sure to thank my sweet mom and dad for sending sweet mail to me.

this adorable girl who i work with for bringing me yummy yummy incense that makes my home smell so inviting.

my wild friend k for coming to town and making me remember our summer of love.

my fairy mentor friend for the goodies she brought over and the sweet energy she always has swirling around her.

my oh so grounded and kind meditation teacher for a sweet card that reminds me i am always on the right path...

a new couple i met here in town for a set of knives they gave me for my kitchen...

i just feel so blessed and so thankful.

Sincerely Me

sincerity
"The most exhausting thing in life, I have discovered, is being insincere."

-Anne Morrow Lindbergh, 1955

Being sincere is being true to yourself. It is hard work being anything less. It takes a lot more mind games and that can be exhausting. What a terrible waste of energy! Being sincere is being genuine, authentic - and that is the more comfortable way to go.

-Lissa Coffey

This seems to be my lesson for the week. For my life.

To be sincere. To be honest. To be true to what I feel. What I want.

And on this path, I am finding I have so much more energy for the things that truly matter...

YAY!!!!

well.
i woke up
in my very own apartment.

this beautiful girl often mentions being a late bloomer.
i am for sure
a late bloomer.

just now coming into my own.
letting go of my people pleaser mentality. trying to figure out what pleases me first.

this is the first move i have made that is not because i broke up or got together with a boy.
the first move i did at my very own pace *slow*
the first time i was in charge of where all the pieces go

i feel truly independent.
for the first time ever.
EVER.

i had moments of sadness, the old baby box had to be tucked away in the closet.
furniture from the last house and memories of old loves.
a moment in walmart (which scares me anyways) trying to figure out what i needed and what i could afford to get and i thought i might break down and cry...

BUT the moments of sheer delight...far outweighed the scariness.

i woke up this morning with the sun.
almost sprinting to the kitchen to make coffee.
listening to music and dancing all around the apartment. jumping over boxes as i got ready for work....

ra ra ra ra ra!!!!