Return to Innocence

I drove away from Ashville this morning elated. A big grin on my face. I went to visit Fran, my friend and mentor...It was a short trip but I was so relaxed, so calm and happy to be driving there alone. I grew up taking amazing clay workshops from her when I was 11 and 12 years old. I loved her world of fairies. llamas and peacocks on her farm. foreign movies. clay. the list goes on...

I feel like finally we have bridged the gap between our ages and have come to this place where we can talk freely, share the deepest parts of ourselves with one another. I should be so tired from lack of sleep, but I can't stop unpacking all the treasures she sent me home with.

I have posted a few pictures of the dreamy days there...
Leaving for Charleston to lay on the beach and read this wonderful book.

Good for the Soul

I have been feeling a loss for words. I have been trying to rest on the page like suggested in the Artist's Way. So, I literally sit there, pen on paper, not able to move. The words that do flow out are not very meaningful. Just lists. Things to do. I am hoping that taking this trip to Charleston this weekend, being on the beach will be so helpful in rejuvenating my soul. Lifting my spirit and inspiring some creativity.

Seeing Green

I have been reading The Wealthy Spirit by Chellie Campell, trying to follow her advice of doing daily affirmations for financial stress reduction. This quote today struck me as something I tend to do...

'How many joys are crushed under foot because people look up at the sky and disregard what is at their feet?'

Goethe

I am so guilty of always day dreaming of another life, instead of full fledged digging in to the one I have. So, in practicing these affirmations I have so far received four random checks I was not expecting!!! One from my boyfriend's insurance company, some type of refund (yea!!). Another from a restaurant I worked at over a year ago, the check had the word bonus on it! Another two this morning that are small, but refunds for something I can't quite figure out what for yet :D

In her book ,Chellie talks a lot about people who are showered daily with wonderful things, but they don't want to acknowledge them. I have chosen to repeat daily these affirmations, even when I feel so weighed down by bills. And in this process I am finding that every day is filled with wonderful surprises.

Oh...and that VERY green bathroom is one of the rooms we painted this weekend. I actually get a headache upon entering every time..anyone know of any suggestions to soften the finish other than repainting???

The Dawn Will Break

One of my best friends, so dear to my heart is having such a hard time right now and I just wish I could tell her everything will be alright...Instead, I can only listen to her as she's on this journey and remind her of her own words, "the dawn will break". Two summers ago, both single and having so much fun, we wrote lists to each other of what we each wanted in a partner. I thought I would list some of these qualities she had on hers so that she can remember what she deserves.

*a best friend and kindred spirit
*safety and security
*inspires me to be a kinder, more giving, less selfish, better person b/c they are so wonderful
*loves kids
*supportive and considerate
*huggy (i need lots of hugs- it grounds me more than anything)
*confident
*good sense of humor-appreciates sarcasm, dry wit, silly stuff-can make me laugh and also finds me to be funny (cuz Lord knows, i am funny as hell)

i love you k and um if we have to we'll run away with the kids and kits. xoxo

The Path of Least Resistance

What did you do as a child that made the hours pass like minutes? Herein lies the key to your earthly pursuits.

Carl Jung

I can spend hours making cards...researching designs, playing with color, different lettering techniques. I get lost in the pencils and pens, forgetting that I am working. It feels more like play. It comes naturally to me and it's something I have always done. I don't know why I tend to pick the path that I resist the most, when the path that I love the most is the one that flows easiest through me onto the paper.

Love

love. the highest rewarded and most desired.

makes even a lazy man crazy inspired. m.g.

Falling in love has been a consuming desire for me, for as long as I can remember. The desire to share the deepest parts with someone in the hopes that life will take on new meaning and happiness will prevail.

As I have gotten older, I realize that unless I am able to fully fall in love with myself, I will never experience true love. All the qualities I am searching for in someone else are really the things I want to bring out of myself.

I am practicing patience with myself. Using kindness and compassion to soothe myself when I digress. Digging deep into my patterns of seeking and needing love. Trying instead to be free to give and receive love without restrictions or expectations...

An Ache For My Own

The drawing above is an initial sketch for a friend's baby shower invitation. A doodle I did on the phone while talking with her about the theme and ideas for the shower. It's for one of my best and oldest friend's sister and I am more than happy to draw them. Excited even about the actual making of the cards and hoping she'll love them. It's just in the process, I am feeling the ache for the little one I lost. I think that with friend's babies who are already here, it's somehow easier for me. Maybe because being around the actual baby, my heart melts, and when I see a pregnant woman or think about a baby shower, my heart aches. I don't know why this is. I wish that I didn't feel jealous. I wish I didn't want what they have. I wish I didn't feel any of it so that I didn't feel guilty about making something so completely about them have anything to do with me.

An Open Door

a very raw picture of me. i feel safer posing.

This morning while waiting for our table at my favorite yummy breakfast spot, we walked down to a little art boutique. They carry all sorts of amazing creations by super talented artists that are mainly local to the area. My boyfriend looks over at me and says that this is exactly the type of place he can see my work in. Our friends interjected and started saying how much they agreed and how wonderful my cards are. The owner came over and told me to please bring by whatever I have and see if it would be a good fit for the shop. I immediately hesitated and felt shy to even be considered as an artist. Sensing my insecurities about the attention on my work, she offered inspiration, recounting how many other artists she meets with that are terrified in the beginning stages. She had one girl with tears in her eyes as she brought her clay pieces in to be seen for the first time. I don't know that I will take anything back this week, but I do know that her kind words made me feel safe enough that I will eventually take my cards back there.

The whole conversation with her goes along with the third week of The Artist's Way, which is all about feeling shamed and criticized as creatives. Being scared by the possibility of success. Overcoming the fear that what I have to offer the world is in no way comparable to what anyone else has to offer, because we are all built differently. We are all individuals creating from different places in our lives with different perspectives. I think sometimes I would like someone to be on this journey with me. Right beside me, in my shoes, every step the same, so I could ask questions, seek protection, feel like I am heading in the right direction.

But, I know that's not possible. This journey is mine and already doors are opening that I won't turn my back on this time.

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do, begin it. Action has magic, grace, and power in it. Julia Cameron

Leap of Faith

Today had me feeling very light and happy. I woke up this morning to a couple of promising emails as far as finances go. So I started the day with the mindset that by taking this leap of faith, I am supported by God. the universe. my friends. my family.

In my journey these past two years I think the one lesson I have learned (with the help of a very true friend) is that we can't have everything we want at all times. There are sacrifices made, choices, that can lead to our higher good. We just have to trust that the path we take is the right one. Life choices are so hard for me, fear sets in and I wish I came with a blue print or a manual. But this day, and every day from here on out, I am going to be dedicated to following my heart, listening to my intuition and leaping.

I have shut the door on my creative calling for too long. I have canceled a trip to Brazil for a meditation retreat I was accepted to attend (at no cost) so that I could move in with a boy. I have canceled a trip to Europe so I could attend a boyfriend's graduation. I have covered the deep parts of me with expensive taste and a closet full of cute things. I am through with the sacrificing of myself. Because in the end, no one benefits from it. I feel ready to find the girl inside me who is brave. open. strong. talented. full. ready.

Help Needed

The Internet course for the real estate exam proved to not work for me....I have decided to move into a classroom setting for the month of April. This will be good for me because I think with interaction and having an actual teacher, instead of just a screen and myself, I will actually learn . The only thing that scares me is that I will be going Monday-Friday from 9-4, leaving not much time at all for work. I am taking a leap of faith, hoping that I can meet all my financial responsibilities for the month.

But for now, I have two weeks before April 2nd when I begin and I am going to full fledged dig into my art work. I am always saying, "well, after this...." or "when I have more time..." I will begin. So faced with the almost free time and with not much else to do, I am going to do all the creating that I can.

I have been thinking lately how great it would be to post a help needed ad in the paper as follows:

Help needed. Someone to invest in aspiring artist. Creative soul wanting to live an enriched life. Need time to create instead of worrying with how to pay for life. Can someone please pay my bills for a year? Leaving me the time to nurture my inner child. Play. Travel. Write. Create. Collage. Find myself. Write a book. Help me live a thriving life. Help me take a leap of faith.

Wouldn't that be great? Someone to take over on the financial end of things, leaving time to plant my garden, work on my art journal, go to a meditation retreat in Brazil....and the list goes on.

Spring Break

Today turned into a mini spring break for me, as my first appointment of the day never showed at Starbucks this morning. I sat and had my green tea alone and wrote my morning pages. Next stop was this very yummy restaurant downtown, The Flying Biscuit, with an old friend. We ordered cranberry mimosas and talked about travelling all over. We both have such a strong desire to meet new people and I especially love to find out what drives people to achieve their heart's desire.

On the way I saw this adorable tree decorated for no special reason...It reminded me how noticing everything, letting things really sink in, you actually realize love is mixed up in all of it. Like gold in a pan of sand, if you practice sifting, sorting, paying attention, you will find it.

Distractions

I am getting very good at finding all kinds of distractions to keep me from this studying...Just today besides the reading of blogs, looking at pictures on myspace, being on im, working (sort of), I made post-it note art and took pictures of it. And while I reading about a detox tea my friend just bought, I found this quote:

'We traverse the world in search of happiness...yet a contented mind brings happiness to all." Horace

Isn't that so true? In all the little things, if we pay close attention we can find happiness. I really want to pay close attention to all the tiny details in my life and really asorb what is going on in the moment. Paying close attention to the lessons in The Artist's Way book, taking the time to enojy a walk outside, really letting what is going on in my relationship affect me and take it all slowly. Trying to be present for all the beautiful moments in life.

Living Without Fear

Look....how fun. He's actually waiting to catch a grape in his mouth. This little one was my first taste of children, my first experience being with a child every day. And, I fell in love. Deeper than I ever fallen. It's the lack of fear they have. You are the adult, and you make sure they feel secure, so they can play all day.......

Fear keeps me in places I know I should not be anymore. Fear keeps me from living my dreams. It keeps me blocked and tonight I want to think about all my dreams.

Dreaming of travels to Spain, Morocco, Greece...owning a boutique, learning Spanish, taking a workshop with Sark and Sabrina Ward Harrison, taking a metal smith class, having my own family, taking a ballet class, writing a book for young girls on how to follow their dreams, having my own gallery show...

The list goes on and maybe the path I am on is teaching me to live some of my own dreams before I have my own little one to teach them to live their dreams.

A Night Alone

My little star candle lamp burning bright while I write this post...two very odd things about this night for me; I am alone and it's very late at night. I have always been a night person, my creativity at full speed in the wee hours of the night, on into the morning. Feeling like I am the only one awake at some late hour, able to think in the quiet. Only, there has always been someone in the bed, a room or two away. Not tonight.

Tonight I am alone. I thought that I might go to bed and wake up early, refreshed, and ready to start the day. But sleep didn't come easily, and my head was spinning with thoughts. So, I came in my studio, lit my candles and started to write.

I am in my second week (probably what should actually be my third...) of The Artist's Way and today I began reading about crazymakers. Described as people in your life who distract from the uncovering of your true and authentic creative self by distracting with their drama. When I read about blocked creative souls and how we will do anything to remain blocked...including staying in a life that doesn't fit. I felt that I am guilty of using other people to remain blocked. Guilty of putting their needs first, so that I won't have to put my creative dream first.

But tonight, I feel that I have a choice. I get to stand up for me and play an active role in my life. Define myself and love myself. If only, I can survive the nights alone. If only, I can create my own safe place where I feel loved. By me.