A Night Alone

My little star candle lamp burning bright while I write this post...two very odd things about this night for me; I am alone and it's very late at night. I have always been a night person, my creativity at full speed in the wee hours of the night, on into the morning. Feeling like I am the only one awake at some late hour, able to think in the quiet. Only, there has always been someone in the bed, a room or two away. Not tonight.

Tonight I am alone. I thought that I might go to bed and wake up early, refreshed, and ready to start the day. But sleep didn't come easily, and my head was spinning with thoughts. So, I came in my studio, lit my candles and started to write.

I am in my second week (probably what should actually be my third...) of The Artist's Way and today I began reading about crazymakers. Described as people in your life who distract from the uncovering of your true and authentic creative self by distracting with their drama. When I read about blocked creative souls and how we will do anything to remain blocked...including staying in a life that doesn't fit. I felt that I am guilty of using other people to remain blocked. Guilty of putting their needs first, so that I won't have to put my creative dream first.

But tonight, I feel that I have a choice. I get to stand up for me and play an active role in my life. Define myself and love myself. If only, I can survive the nights alone. If only, I can create my own safe place where I feel loved. By me.