Heaven Sent Instrument

I find that when I am thankful for what I have been blessed with, then I can sit in that moment of gratitude and be happy. I am sometimes so busy asking for more in so many different areas of my life, that I don't sit with what I actually have. I truly believe that God, no matter what the religion or individual beliefs, is working through all of us. I want to be brave like dear Schmoopy in her recent post and ASK for what I want. But, for now, I can't quite put a finger on what exactly I want to ask for and in what area of my life...

So today I am feeling very thankful for everything I have in my life. Hoping the thankfulness will help me to make room in my life for the blessings that are sure to come.

Morning Pages

I like to wake up and spill out my thoughts, forming words, getting them off my chest. Out of my heart. I don't like feeling like I have the same complaints morning after morning. I don't know how much of ourselves we are supposed to change or sacrifice to accommodate another. I don't know if the connection I am searching for is something I only read about in books, see at the theater.

Can anyone tell me how it feels when you have found your soul mate? That partner who wants to share in your tiniest accomplishments and loves you more than you could have ever imagined?

love. the ultimate cure

when i can promise
not to neglect you
or us
not to assume
and to listen
when i feel i am heard
if not always understood
when i don't expect
and just accept
when i've shown you more
of just me
and you make an effort
to want to see
when i realize a mistake
is paid for once
made by both
then forgiven
when i am sure
and committed
to loving each other
before all else
and we never end up
the couple who doesn't speak
at a table
when i know for sure
you love me
and want me
forever
then i think
i might feel safe

Letting Go

These nights are rare for me. Nights out with people who genuinely love you and love to see you giggling. I have trouble over planning and trying to do so much, that spontaneity does not come naturally to me. Part of this self-discovery process for me has to be to love my authentic self. To not be afraid to express my silly side.

I was brought up to do things perfectly, to plan your days, to put other's needs first...I am slowly learning that if you can't fill yourself up first, you can't give anything back. Part of feeling confident and in love with who I am begins with not being afraid. Not being afraid to let go.

"At the center of your being you have the answer, you know who you are and you know what you want"

Lao Tzo

I read those words and they speak to my heart. I'm just afraid I know the truth and it means so many changes.

Home Sweet Happy Home

How nice to be home....Saturday my boyfriend was feeling terrible, so we went to the ER. He had appendicitis and was scheduled for surgery on Sunday. Everything went fine and we came home late yesterday, which was happy.

Happy to be in our bed. Happy to be able to prepare him soup and yummy smoothies in our kitchen. The spaces we create for ourselves in our home are so important.

I am still so sleepy, but I managed to get up and do my morning pages. I think in the morning state of foggy grogginess I was able to actually uncounsiouly get out so much of what has been on my mind. Planning on working from home to take care of him, and in the process take some time to care for me too.

Scanning My Way Through Life

I am getting my real estate license right now...studying for the exam that I am taking at the end of March. Only the above area, my studio, is filled with fun projects I want to pick up. I want to make new cards and work with this new clay...

Alas, the only creative outlet I am allowing myself until I get this test passed, is The Artist's Way. I will keep doing the morning pages and assignments. My artist's date is set for this weekend. I am going to walk around these adorable eclectic shops and browse, maybe allow myself to spend $10 on a tiny something.

Wish me luck in sticking with this Real Estate, I think when it is all said and done it might the perfect supplement to my art. My own schedule and I can use my creative energy to help people find and sell their homes.

But, being the ultimate scanner, loving the rush of a new challenge and leaving before I get to the end result; this will be a challenging task. Strange, I ever made it through college. Maybe it was the 9 majors I switched between!

Valentine's

I am learning that in the unplanned, not forced moments we can have the most beautiful times. Last night was just that and I feel lucky.

Raw Love

Raw love. Unconditional love. I am the silly type of girl who loves Valentine's Day. But this year, I wanted a Valentine baby. To cuddle and love.

So many thoughts are swirling around in my head, so many projects I need to begin, finish, pick back up again. Mainly I am thinking about how to continue these baby steps in learning how to not just be a passer by in my own life. How to be active in how I deal with my relationships, not to settle, and leave it all in everyone else's hands.

Part of this journey I am on is going to be to live an active life. To overcome my fears of really living up to my full potential. What can happen when I am not in the shadows planning someone else’s life, and I out living my own?

I am taking tomorrow to rest, regroup, nurture and love myself some.

My Inspiration

These amazing colorful hearts are the work of Fran Welch. She has been the biggest creative inspiration in my life...Beginning in elementary school my mom would take me to week long workshops that Fran held at her studio. The studio was like a cottage, filled with blocks of clay, every color paint and glaze you can imagine, fairies, hearts... Outside peacocks and llamas roamed around. A little girl's dream world.

I used to love her work so much that instead of creating my own pieces at the classes, I would copy hers. I became so good at it, that she hired me to assist her in reproducing the clay angels, fairies, hearts and cottages.

While getting through chapter one in the Artist's Way it has you break down your influences in 5 year increments throughout your life. She has been in every stage, always playing such a major role in my creativity. She never criticized the work, only complimented my creations. Tells me through emails now that we don't live in the same state, that I am sounding stronger now, amazing things will come my way. So when I need a safe refuge from the negative voices in my head or from the criticisms of people who are afraid to live their own creative life, I always go to her.

These darling hearts will be up on her website soon and if anyone wants details I will be more than happy to put you in touch with her!

Popcorn and Red Wine

Tonight was much needed. A visit from a friend and her sweet almost 4 month old baby. Then another visit from my best friend to sit down and plan our meetings through this Artist's Way book...We ate yummy buttery popcorn and drank red wine, laughed over old journals, and shared our vision for our new company. (I know there's nothing on the site, but to just have the page reserved has me smiling:)

I am excited to embark upon this journey and knowing that I have others that are sharing the same feelings is so inspiring. The one thing that struck me the most tonight as I read from the book was the topic of fear of self-intimacy. Avoiding being with me. Avoiding doing things with myself. I am 27 years old and have never been to a movie alone, never eaten in a restaurant with myself as the only company I need to enjoy the meal....I am going to set these dates with myself and honor the time I spend with me. Maybe as I learn to love me, even the not so pretty parts of me, I will feel inspired to create in ways I never dreamed possible.

Meme Is A Cute Word

I want to say before I get into this meme business, that I was overwhelmed this morning when I read the comments from Schmoopy and Boho. To know that I have been reading your words for so long now and to finally feel brave enough to spill my own, then to know you identify with what I wrote....It brought tears to my eyes, seriously. I felt so silly at my computer, tearing up. But, so happy too.

And I think this weekend, I will try to put into words the experience...how it has changed me.

But for now, I will stick to the silliness of my first blogger meme. Which by the way I had to look up to find the meaning;)
I got this from Schmoopy's site, since I read it, I felt compelled to join in!

Six weird things about myself...

1. I have an obsession with doing my nails. I do them almost every other night to keep the polish fresh.

2. I make so many lists, I sometimes I have to make more lists to organize those. I have lists of dreams, wants, daily needs, daily affirmations, books I want....and it goes on and on.

3. I do laundry every day. One load a day and I mix all the colors together. I almost never (ALMOST) ruin the clothes.

4. I have a tattoo that is half removed on my right hip that looks kind of blurry and strange. It's $300 a removal session and I can't afford to do it 3 more times right now!

5. I am scared of the dark so I have never lived alone.

6. I have worked at Nordstrom, a car wash, 3 different restaurants, for 2 caterers, 1 artist, a real estate agency, Lexus, a health care company...all in the last 2 1/2 years. I am certainly searching for something that is missing.

I will tag Cayden and then just leave it up to anyone who might read this to do!

Baby Fit

Today is going to be a hard day. A day I should have stayed in bed....I opened my first email this morning at work and the first thing I see is "Baby Fit, week 37". I forgot I registered on this Fit Pregnancy site and honestly since the miscarriage at 8 1/2 weeks I have not received any of them. But today, one came, saying how close I am to my due date and how much excitement should be rumbling around inside of me.

I have not forgotten I was supposed to be due this month. I have not even tried to push it to the back of my mind, I let the tears flow when they come. Today is going to be one of those days when the tears flow and I remind myself it's okay to mourn the loss.

Creative Power

Today I read this quote in The Artist's Way

Why should we all use our creative power...? Because there is nothing that makes people so generous, joyful, lively, bold and compassionate, so indifferent to fighting and the accumulation of objects and money.
Branda Ueland

It really struck me because it seems true that when you are really following your dream, living your life's work, it is God that is working through you. I truly believe that we are good at certain things because they are our gifts. And to not live our dream, to not create the life we are made for is to not truly live.

I am guilty in letting my love of nice things lead me in pursuit of only money...thinking that if I just get a certain dress or one more top I feel satisfied. I always end up feeling empty. Which is why this time around I am going to follow my heart, live my fullest creative life, and let the rest fall into place.

A Velcro Suit

Well....I saw this picture and thought how appropriate it is for me. or would be if I could encourage my man to carry it with me. He's always telling me that I wish we had on a vecro suit. I think part of this year for me is going to be detaching. In the process of really getting in touch with me, I am going to have to let go of taking care of everyone else's lives. Because sometimes my taking care turns into me controlling.

I want a partner in life. Someone who understands me and loves me so deeeeeeeply. But that's a hard request when I am having trouble falling in love with or understanding myself.

Getting Unstuck

This is my first post, ever. I have been journaling my entire life, collaging bits and pieces of my life together in art journals. But after silently reading the blog's of so many inspirational.amazing.wonderful women I felt inspired to put myself out there. Out here, into this blogging world. It's funny, because it feels too late or like everything I want to say has been said, so why do it? Then I tell my inner critic to hush and I take baby steps to overcome the fear.

I want so badly in this new year to attract my life's work, follow through with it...live it. I feel like I get to this point with anything I love to do and the fear sets in. Fear of failing or fear of success, which one it is, I am not quite sure. My best friend sent me a copy of The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron and we are about to embark on the journey together. The journey of getting unstuck in our creativity.

Lately I have been jumping around from job to job, thinking each one is going to be "IT". Discovering that nothing in any want-ad caters to my heart's desire to live the life I am intended to live. This is the beginning of me digging deep, opening up, and learning to trust myself.