preparing travel plans for one.
booking flights and more connecting flights.
arranging for cars at airports and thinking of dinners alone.
all the things he used to do for me. for us.
every detail perfectly arranged.
assurance that the trip would be filled with fun.
this time i'm going alone.
and this time it's not about the sites.
it's more about going away so that i can
really pull all the stuff outside of me
get messy with my feelings.
my dad loved spanish culture.
we share that connection.
he loved to travel.
i dream of our trip we planned together for my 30th.
it hasn't arrived yet
and when it does, he won't be here to celebrate with me
not in his body.
not how i wish i could have him.
so i'm going to mourn.
i'm going to grow.
to shed.
to bring back new adventures.
to tear it all down
and put it all back together again
with beauty
and love
and awkward steps
alone.
