Creating a Life for One

"If you want to work on your art, work on your life."

Chekhov

I think part of the reason I married and divorced so young was that I just wanted someone to pick me up and carry me. Carry my weight and share a life. But it fell apart and I was left with just me to worry with. Only I didn't take the time to take care of me. I jumped straight into a relationship and started planning my life as another boy's other half. When that fell apart I found myself entwined with another boy and his life, including his son. My last relationship that just ended was the first time while dating someone that I really had to face myself. Even then, I would take every chance I had to think about his needs and wants, putting mine to the side. Of course, this kind of giving until I have nothing left to give was not healthy for either of us. My jumping from boy to boy trying to find myself and create a life only left me more alone than ever. I didn't feel like I even knew myself enough to trust what I was feeling or to stand up for myself.

I feel like sometimes I never take a minute alone to take care of my body by making a fresh meal or doing my nails. I don't take enough time to fill my mind, unload my heart, or unleash my creativity. This for me, leads to consumption and overspending. I don't take the time to fill up the inside so I try to fill that gap with things that only do the trick for a short time.

So, this weekend I move. Tomorrow I get the keys to my very own place and Friday my mom comes up to help me get settled.

I am going to establish my own roots, create a sacred place to rest my soul. Light candles, play beautiful music, burn incense, create art, dress up in my clothes, take long baths...

I am going to explore the streets around where I live.

I am going to take it all in so I can let it all out onto the canvas.