when the self doubt starts creeping in i sometimes feel paralyzed.
i spend hours on the computer looking at other people's art work, and i don't just appreciate the beauty. i criticize my own talent. or lack there of.
the weight of it all feels so real. and painful.
i know i should take out my paint brush and my canvas and just start. but i worry it will be ugly.
i feel like a scared little girl who wants someone to come along and guide me.
i know, deep down, it's not about how much beauty my creations hold. it's not a competition. i am creating from my heart and i must have a purpose. i hope i do.
i just want for my work, what i create, to bring happiness to people. to show them love grows deep and is in everything.
i feel a huge part of my move here was to take time to create art.
instead, i am so scared i have not even pulled the chair up to my art table.
do i make collages? do i design cards? should i take a painting lesson? will he think my work is ugly and hers is so pretty?
and it's sad, really, to be sitting here in all this self doubt and fear.
and i don't mean to.
it's just sometimes i can't find the beginning point. i can't take that first step.
i start thinking, oh i can never write a novel. i can't go back to school for art or take lessons, i am too old or too busy or too poor. and i am only 28!
i know you can reinvent yourself at any age, i hear the advice i give to others. i know it's not important that i am this amazing artist, but that i love what i do. that i remain playful, stay in love with myself and what i create.
i would never doubt my friends the way i doubt myself. i would never use unkind words to beat down their dreams. i should be using those same soft, heartfelt words that i use with my friends in my own inner dialogue.
so i will go home today and light candles. meditate. and begin.
3 comments:
"There is a primary truth,
whose ignorance kills innumerable ideas and splendid plans:
at the moment someone throws himself heart and soul,
even the providence then moves itself.
Infinite things happen to help him,
things that otherwise would never happen...
Whatever you could do,
or dream to do, begin it!
The boldness has in itself genius, power and magic.
Let's begin now!" (W. Goethe)
Please... All your friends and I are waiting to appreciate your creativity... no expectations, just the wish to enjoy it with you.
i agree with the above-enrico message-when you create from your heart-it can never be anything but beautiful just like you!
i so relate to all of your doubts and fears because i spent a lifetime comparing my writing to others: it was never "good" or "worthy" enough. i was my own worst critic, yet years of people telling me they loved the way i wrote fell on deaf ears. until one day i said 'enough.' if not now, when? for me, writing centers me and it makes me happy. my soul feels free. i feel released.
my best advice -- clean your house (mind) now and go and create...you are original, no one else can create what you envision, just be yourself. let your expressions and creativity run free....even if you feel you don't know where to begin or what to do...just begin....anything, everything....in time you will know exactly what to do.
and never, ever be afraid. no one else can lead your life; no one else can walk your path....go find yours and create. we all have something beautiful to offer.
best,
xoxox
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