I should not be too hard on myself.
I should not beat myself up.
I should fill my belly with yummy foods.
And let you love me.
I am not trapped.
And I am not to be pitied.
I am strong and I deserve love.
But there are the days…when I think
My dad is dead.
My mom is busy with her own life now.
There is no family that I feel a part of.
And there is no love that can get to all my darkest parts.
So I hang on to this pitiful little girl, trapped in a body, that most days does not seem to fit.
And I don’t mean to put that on you.
It’s all mine.
And this past Friday all of those dark places in me felt unexpectedly raw and open.
I actually felt physically sick to my stomach with all of the pain rising up in me.
Trying to push its way out.
I felt ugly and not good enough.
I lost sight of all the beauty inside me.
Inside everything.
But I what I want, where I’m trying to be with myself
And in turn, with you,
Is this place where all my open and raw parts are welcomed with love.
And I am truly able to just be me.
So for all the walls I try to build up and all the bullshit human ego driven behavior.
Please know at the center of it all is love.
2 comments:
love how he loves you because you have so much to give. muah.
of course love is at the center-
you are love.
you radiate it.
i felt the same way when my dad died 6 years ago. i felt like my childhood died. my mom and brother are connected to each other but not me. it was my dad that understood.
grieving is a process, and the symptoms are the same as depression. i wish someone told me "hey, you are grieving and nothing is going to be clear for awhile, and that is okay." i thought i had to get back to the most positive me i could find.
reaffirming that you are strong and enough~
mccabe xx
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