So...over this break, I was thrown back into some old patterns. Some old issues resurfaced and I was faced with choices. I have been offered my job back in Atlanta, only with more money and benefits. This seemed totally safe and wonderful when I think of how some weeks I am barely able to pay for gas and food. But, when I thought about going back and taking the safe way out, I felt my stomach turn and my head hurt. I know I still have work to do here.
I want my choices to be from my heart, not let my ego rule. But my ego craves safety. Craves security. That job in Atlanta offers just that. It is not going to offer me a more challenging environment. And to move back there is to inevitably create more drama for me. It gives me more security with the familiar territory and people…but secure is not always the equivalent of best. I value my relationship with my parents and my friendships there, but it was just time for me to take a leap of faith on my own.
While I am not entirely alone here, I have this man in my life who I have fallen in love with. He does not enable me to sit back and assume that someone else will provide security for me while I avoid my path. My path will not let me rest. It will not let me avoid my journey. I feel that my fall from innocence, as late as it has come, has come now. I cannot have my problems solved by my parents, as they struggle with their own. I am choosing to stay here and to continue to dig deep. To continue to lead a life that involves risk and makes my palms sweat and my heart race. I am choosing this path in order to achieve my main goal. That is to find my true self. Express my true self. And do that in a way that makes a genuine contribution to the world.
I want my choices to be from my heart, not let my ego rule. But my ego craves safety. Craves security. That job in Atlanta offers just that. It is not going to offer me a more challenging environment. And to move back there is to inevitably create more drama for me. It gives me more security with the familiar territory and people…but secure is not always the equivalent of best. I value my relationship with my parents and my friendships there, but it was just time for me to take a leap of faith on my own.
While I am not entirely alone here, I have this man in my life who I have fallen in love with. He does not enable me to sit back and assume that someone else will provide security for me while I avoid my path. My path will not let me rest. It will not let me avoid my journey. I feel that my fall from innocence, as late as it has come, has come now. I cannot have my problems solved by my parents, as they struggle with their own. I am choosing to stay here and to continue to dig deep. To continue to lead a life that involves risk and makes my palms sweat and my heart race. I am choosing this path in order to achieve my main goal. That is to find my true self. Express my true self. And do that in a way that makes a genuine contribution to the world.
3 comments:
Amazing words my soul-filled friend...I am inspired by your journey~full of love, digging deep and living fully.
I for one am THRILLED your staying here to continue with the beautiful journey you're on!!
I love reading your words.
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