happy halloween and don't forget to VOTE!!!

Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

thank you.

when my dad took his life
you didn't run

in fact, you asked me for a commitment deeper
than the one we already had

and i said yes,
not fully realizing all the work i had to do

all the sadness
all the anger

oh the anger!
at all of the rest of the world and the fast pace
in which they moved on
kept going
without me

but you
you have stayed by my side
and held me night after night
tears streaming
down my face

thank you
a thousand times over
for being the keeper of my secrets
a tower of strength
the most sensitive, soulful, appreciative man

i'm a better woman
for having met you.

october without you

today it's rainy and i miss you
today your kitty turned two
and today i can't get you back
just like all the other days

feeling sad and also in some strange way,
feeling good in the quiet sad space
accepting
that it's all part of it

that from this grief
i will be transformed

soaking in all the beauty of fall
last night's dinner inspired me to take pictures of our home

dear universe. i love you.

when i wasn't sure how i would ever afford to get to spain, to attend the good grief retreat, i emailed meg, the artist who offers the retreats, and asked about some sort of scholarship.
in short, i needed a way to get there that would be within my realm of paying for it.

she kindly responded that the scholarships she does offer are for people that literally have no means of income due to their circumstances and she suggested this:

Ask the Universe to provide this money for you.

Make an affirmation of it and use the affirmation every day.

Picture yourself in Alcazar, writing, drawing , painting and playing by the stream where you may see the family of turtles.Picture the January almond blossom pink all over the mountainside !

Find a creative way to involve your mum in helping you manifest this money.

This might be in the form of making /writing her a story book with a mythical tale of a daughter whose father dies, and it's his daughters dearest wish to finish unfinished business with him.

I do believe that you will be able to manifest the right amount of money if its your hearts desire to come. I gave you the total price for your ten days, but you'll need more for your fare and the additional days. Work out the total and ask the Universe for it. Work out the very best scenario, a lovely hotel, extra money for a massage etc. Go for it ! There's no limit to Universal funds!

that was this past Sunday evening.

as i read it, tears flowed and i pulled out my pad, drawing images of turtles and writing words that helped me picture myself there.

healing. creating. processing. being.

on Monday i sent my mom a letter, requesting this trip as my christmas gift, going into all the details of why i think this is meant to be.

on Wednesday she responded with a YES. (thank you mom!)

so now....i'm talking to Meg and planning a good grief retreat :)

when we tap into ourselves, using all our power deep inside...we can truly rest our heads in the abundance that the universe offers.

just the right thing

you know
when you find
just the right thing
to express how you are feeling

the words that wrap you in love
or the place that welcomes you while you cry a million tears?

i've been trying to find a space
to grieve

i've come home to the lake you fished at
i've sat in the living room we've spent a thousand hours in together
i've meditated on the beaches in italy
writing words that will be your eulogy

but still....
i haven't found that peaceful feeling
i haven't said all my goodbyes
i haven't been able to slow down enough to feel your spirit all around me
all the time

in searching for a grief counselor
i came across this magical place
where a very special artist offers

good
grief
retreats

offering a time and place to express all that i feel
in nature
in art
in silence
and in peace.

i'm still working out the details of making it a reality
but i know that i've found
just the right thing.

remembering to play

ludovica needs no reminders to play

serendipity

doors opening

events falling into place

i know these things happen

and i believe in them

when i catch a glimpse of them

at work in my own life

sometimes i am in awe

so i started the class

he would have wanted me to

and even in these uncertain economic times

i still believe

beauty saves

beauty heals

and it's all beautiful.

i sat next to a girl. a woman. a kindred i could tell.

maloo

she is an expressive arts therapist

differing from an art therapist, which she explained, is classically trained

in their medium and uses that medium with their patient

the art work, the final outcome

being the main focus

critiqued almost in terms of where you are at emotionally.

expressive art therapy is about play.

re-learning how to play after such a deeply painful loss

her business card states:

'even in the most difficult circumstances, we bloom'

how true.

I'm allowed

i've loved you more

I just got this email from my auntie.

Amanda, you are allowed to mourn your daddy for as long as it takes to be free.

Love you baby!

and guess what?
i'm going to take that sentence
as my hall pass
and allow myself
to feel sad today

6 months
today.

last night i drew angel wings and hot air balloons
all around your name
i pictured you free
high above
i lit a candle just for you
and i sat a picture of us
right beside it
your hair a huge red afro
my mouth open as wide as it can be
screaming with delight
a baby in your arms.