we are solitary

we are solitary. we may delude ourselves and act as though it were not so. but how much better it is to realize that we are so, yes, even to begin by assuming it. naturally, we will turn giddy.
rainer maria rilke, letters to a young poet



sleeping bear


sleeping lelu


such a tender time. so much to write about.
this fall is bringing so many lessons already.
with our growth must come release.
a letting go of something that no longer serves us at this time.
time to let what did not get accomplished this year fade into our memory, another cycle will be on it's way soon.

for us, this means a move. not a move in our town. our beloved Asheville. we met and fell in love here.
were married here. lived the last 3 years in a pretty blissful state of being.

we are headed to William's home. Arkansas. it's strange to think of myself farther from my Mom. farther from my girlfriends. it will be no longer a drive away, we'll have to fly. we'll have to be patient and plan wonderful visits when we can.

there have been signs. and we've been listening. we've been stating our intentions and now we've been called to live them.
it feels like we are at the top of a roller coaster.

it's a choice. like any other. but this time we are not choosing in our comfort zone. we are not pushing to get exactly what we think is best for us. we are in the flow and the universe is holding us up. my Mom's blessing for me solidified this change.

it's the five year plan. to make a baby. to have that baby be blessed to be brought up on land that is unspoiled and cared for. for a community of family members that is so large and full of love. to open our practice there. to expand what is currently just William's massage to include my botanical goodness. to stretch and fill up all the uncomfortable and unknown spaces. to grow into something that we've dreamed of.

the kicker is..i'm not finished with my herbal program here at ASHH. November 11th I graduate. 7 weeks. we will be driving our belongings to Arkansas this upcoming week, only I won't be staying. not just yet...

my intentions here in Asheville are to finish my schooling. i will be staying in a room at the school (a converted old house), studying for my final and finishing up a lovely pressed flower book project. i will be fully immersed in herbs. i will be alone. i will be scared. i write my fears here to address them. and over the period of the next 7 weeks i will take care to record the goings of myself here in Asheville. finishing up a chapter in my life while my husband and forever furry friend (lelu, our dog) are starting the new chapter. i will write. relax. work hard. dream. journal. be quiet. i will just be. i will be kind to myself. kind to my partner. and kind to all of you. change is scary.

(just sharing those fears i can feel a deeper breath coming)

Wild Women Rule

Today I give thanks. Thanks that I am able to get up and do my morning pages. Putting my pen to the paper feels like home.

Today I ponder being wild. Is it too wild to think that we can trust in the universe to carry us? Is it too wild to be without a home for a few months while we travel and visit and re-situate ourselves? When we let ourselves feel how much we crave a certain experience....and then we don't take the opportunity, aren't we then not being wild enough?

Life is change. Change is Wild. And I'm going to trust in the organic connection between what I want on the inside and what is wanted from me on a higher level. That when I leap into what I want for myself and those I love, that ultimately I am doing good for our planet.

Breaking through...to a whole new world

restored.recharged.and oh so thankful.

a sunday drive

picking berries on the blueridge parkway

sacred native land

showers

followed by rainbow delights

homemade whipped cream to top the berries with

cuddling and movies

makes for a perfect sunday :)

Free from space and time

the view from our porch

meditating at transformus

Transformus is our regional burn here outside of Asheville, NC. It was a life-changing experience, full of glorious displays of self-expression. Without vendors or corporate sponsors, people's heart chakras were fully open, ready to give and receive. Sharing, communing, enjoying the beauty of Deerfields we danced the days away and really soaked up some amazing energy.

Upon our return we got word from William's Dad that his grandfather has fallen ill. Cancer it seems will take his life in a few months. We were so blessed to have his 85 year old grandfather and his girlfriend make the journey from Arkansas to Asheville (a road trip!!) to visit with us just last month. We realized then as never before what kindred spirits we are. He's a soul man. A man who knows the value of love and I feel so very honored to have him in my life. We are going to be going to William's home to soak up some more love soon, but until then I wanted to leave you with the email his grandfather sent. I think it is truly beautiful the way he has honored his life and is planning his departure much in that same way.

Please spread the word, Joe Hall, the old doctor, is going on a long trip.

I have been planning this trip for a long time--soon to be 85 years. I still don't know my date of departure; however, I think it playfully remains one of the surprises of the venture. I expect the trip to happen a few weeks to a few months from now.

You, my e-mail buddies, have been a major fun-filled source of Wisdom, Beauty, Peace and Joy for many years. Please continue to write me… I love it and I need it.

I am planning and building a beautiful death which will get rid of the worn out old body. Pain, dysfunction, fatigue and disease will no longer be present. Death is the final healing of all disease.

No longer will I be confined by time or space. Instant travel will be available 24/7. Although I cannot get my mind around this, I am told I will be able to be in all places at all times sharing perfect love with every one and every thing.

I have recently been told by several very competent and concerned doctors that I have cancer of the colon with wide spread metastases which can not be cured.

Please pray that I may feel and share the spirit of perfect love as God wishes me to.

Until we meet again Peace and Joy Joe B Hall the old doctor

I am enough

"This summer we're setting up a very specific test in the Dream Lab. We're trying to find out what will happen if we set aside our Mondo Beyondo dreams for one whole summer and let ourselves sink into rest, play and kindness to ourselves and the people around us. And we're not just saying that. We really want to know want to know. We're craving the kind of joy and magic that shows up whenever you know--you really know--you're not in it alone. We're building our hypothesis on the expectation that all kinds of good things happen when you're willing to loosen up and let go."

From the Superhero Journal

I have been in a place of uncertainty where I find myself wondering, do I really live in a dream world? I always heard that growing up, from my parents, quite possibly even from strangers...You live in a dream world Amanda.

What I'm really being faced with now, at age 31, is am I here to do what creative endeavors are inside me? I am allowed to put myself fully into what I want to do each day with joy? Am I here to find my true purpose, my higher path or should I just go out to the nearest restaurant to get a job that will pay the bills?

My tiny Etsy shop lies empty because the last time I truly allowed myself to create uninterrupted was in Italy. When I'm at home I don't even take the stolen moments, much less make a schedule that includes time for making art.

Now, keep in mind, our massage business and my free lance nanny/event work do pay the bills. We are able to keep up, potentially some would consider us to be maintaining quite nicely. So, why is it that my fear builds up inside so great, doubt crawls inside and I feel paralyzed?

But let me remember... I am not my thoughts. I am not my body. I am not my emotions. I am an ever present being of light here to shine my spirit bright. That light can truly shine when I'm rested. When I'm filled up with dancing and stretching and being me. When I'm writing and creating art (and it's been months....).

I honestly will feel guilty if I am at home brewing up herbal delights in the kitchen or doing other projects because they are not paying me an hourly wage. Does it all have to add up to money? I feel like all my quests to just make money so I could do this or that never created any happiness, or money for that matter.

So, each day I wake up and some of those days I have to choke down a little fear, or better yet, replace that reaction with a positive thought. Send love to those fears and believe that I am enough. Doing what's in front of me at the moment, loving it and loving myself.