Childish Love

It seems like the older I get and the more I get to know who I am, the more my view of love actually changes. I have been struggling with identifying what my true grown up needs are and how to be honest and truthful about them. Sometimes I feel like I am posing...

I was reading this very insightful blog a couple of days ago and did a little exercise she had on there.

I came up with this mission statement for my life through answering the questions..."i will work on my cards using my childlike view of things to accomplish acceptance of other cultures and in doing so achieve a loving relationship that is evolving."

I want to live a life of my own design that I feel wide awake living. Only sometimes the steps to getting there seem so hard. This is something I don't mean to complain about or mean to wallow in, I just wish I knew what direction to take...

RA RA RA!!!

Celebrating!!!
Being done with Real Estate School!
Said a "no" today that felt good. That's a hard one for me being such a people pleaser...
I have worked out all week:)
I have picked up the artist's way again!
I feel very ready to enjoy the sunshine with my girls at this festival.

Having Faith In Myself

It's hard for me sometimes to not to want to try and control everything that happens in my life. To want to orchestrate the flow of the days down to the tiniest detail. And I know, this is not the type of environment my creative energy thrives in. I feel like I should take this wonderful advice and "follow the fun". Since this is something that keeps resurfacing and is something I want to be able to change in myself, I am taking small steps. The other night I actually caught myself thinking, what do I need or want right now? Not what needs to get done. But what do I want right now...

What I needed was to sit and work with some fun clay, just to exercise my mind and use my hands. So, stepping over the laundry and overlooking the to-do lists, I sat and did what I wanted. And it felt so good.

Sunday Showers

It was gloomy and rainy here today. A perfect day to treat myself to delicious ice cream that tastes like cupcakes topped with rainbow sprinkles and an amazing movie with a very dear friend. Today was a much needed release from being cooped up, trying to save money, and study. I absolutely love movies that take me deeper into the lives of other cultures. The colors, the clothing, the cultures blending, it was all so beautiful.

I feel somewhat refreshed, ready for the week.

Can't Help But Create

I have been feeling so introspective lately. I feel a disconnect from the computer world, my normal emails, blog reading...

When I am working at something that does not utilize my creative parts I feel like I just withdraw. When I was in Ashville, this fabulous artist who has his own shop asks me what I do, am I an artist too? I mumbled and fumbled over my words, what do I label myself as? He says to me, "well, if you can't help but create, you are an artist."

How true those words are...If I am not creating art with my hands, getting messy, feeling myself really let go with an idea...then I feel stuck. So, I can't help but create because all the bits of my heart tell me that's the way to happiness.

Feeling Alive

I want to live life deeply. fully. awake.

Feeling all the emotions that flow through me. Experience all the beauty in every day. Always have an ever-changing, evolving vision of who I am. Be kind and compassionate to myself as I am on this journey.

I want to make sure I am not controlling or defining how others choose to live or give their love.

I want to move through conflict with honesty and empathy. To choose to love. To choose to consciously create a life that is real and honest. I feel like with every day I am learning more about who I am. How much love my soul is actually capable of.

New Journal...

I was feeling out of words. Full of feelings with no place to put them down. Doodling in my Real Estate book....Now I have a new home for my thoughts. A new journal always gives me hope. I feel like I have so many thoughts on my mind. Taking this class and interviewing for positions that I hope will bring in the money. Questioning why I live out in suburbia, where there is really no sense of community...Am I working to pay for a life I don't even want to be living? Are you supposed to do what you love and let the money follow? Or do you make the money first to then invest in what you love?

In college I changed my major 9 times...pre-law, sociology, anthropology, graphic design, fashion design, english, creative writing, interior design, finally graduating with a degree in business. Hoping that at least a BS would help me with whatever endeavors I finally decided to embark upon. Going back, I wish I had followed my heart, gotten an art degree and followed wherever the path lead me. Again, I am sitting in school, trying to make a point that I can in fact do the math, pass the class. But at the end of the day, I question what my life's work is? How will it all fit together? How will I be able to be the artist I am and still afford to live? Will I ever meet the man who wants to have the family I want? Am I trying too hard to live by some master plan created by me?

I feel in over my head.

So, I write. I draw. I make wish lists of all the places I would rather be, places I want to visit one day. And I study the class material hoping that when this all comes to an end I will have some clarity on the direction I am taking.

Wanderlust

The beautiful town of Charleston and it's neighboring Isle of Palms filled me with so many amazing images, my hands are itching to create. Seeing the secret gardens, walking on the beach, bloody marys on the patio, wine on the roof top bar...