Feeling Powerful

I am realizing that I can't gain a sense of power in my life if I identify myself as a victim. I don't want to always feel that I have been wronged. Instead, I choose to take initiative.

I choose to feel that there is enough love and happiness inside of me that I don't need to go searching for someone else to fill me up.

I choose to say yes to staying in my studio and working.

I want to shine and really come into my own. Live my dreams like this sweet friend talks about.

Getting To Know Me

Enrico says:
dont be scared to know yourself
Enrico says:
the first time i saw you you were so rich of light
Enrico says:
it means something
Enrico says:
in one of osho's books i read
Enrico says:
he says that we have to distinguish between being alone and being isolated
Enrico says:
being alone is a blessing for our inner side


I just returned from a much needed weekend in a city I love, Asheville. I took time to play, to go out and dance, to be silly...But every mile I got closer to Atlanta I dredded what I was coming home to. Every mile closer left me blaming myself more. I had a close friend tell me this weekend that it seems to her my inner child has been in the driver's seat. That if I don't want to keep creating drama that I should put the child in the backseat where she belongs. I am not blameless, I am not a victim, I am accountable.


I am beginning to realize that these things are not for me to process out in the world with everyone. This is the deep stuff that I know in my heart and unless I am quiet, until I sit with myself and follow my intuition, I will keep spinning my wheels.

Journaling

I feel my boots trying to leave the ground, I feel my heart pumping hard. I want to think again of dangerous and noble things. I want to be light and frolicsome. I want to be improbable beautiful and afraid of nothing, as though I had wings. -Mary Oliver

Waiting To Be Free

I am struggling with my relationship. The kind of fights that leave you anxious and at the same time completely empty. I am having issues brought up that I thought I had worked through. I realize now that these lessons will keep reoccurring until I have learned what I am supposed to learn from them. Until I surrender my control and understand that I can't keep all the pieces in my relationship together. I just started reading the ONE by Kathy Freston and am scheduling a primordial sound mediation series....Doing things that will help me keep up my own personal growth so I don't fall apart.

Wishing I was still as young as above, swinging, laughing, loving...

A Blessing and A Best Friend

I was in fourth grade and my mom made me go down the street to play with the neighbor's relative (the neighbor who was my Sunday school teacher...). I wanted to be left be. I didn't want to play soccer (I was always more the ballerina type of girl), but I went. And what I found was a blessing and a best friend. Her name is Sarah and we could not be more different yet we share so much of the same. She is a soul mate of mine, and tonight, when I'm feeling down and wishing for one of the trips we took every summer to see each other, I miss her. Sometimes just around the corner, waiting behind a door you never thought you'd open is someone who will be in your life forever...

Our Sacred Inner Life

fun with flicker

I was sitting at work this afternoon listening to these two women talk about their lack of time for themselves. Neither really listening to the other, one talking over the other. About how there is no time for pedicures, no time for the gym, hair appointments spent with computers in their laps, ear pieces in their ears at all times...One lady had this amazing necklace on, when I asked her about where she got it, she said she designed and made it...Oh, how wonderful you do that, I tell her. She responds with more negatives about how there is no time for something that is fun and therapeutic for her. She said she has two kids, too many things to take them to do. I feel like if our children don't get to see us enjoying hobbies or really living life, how will they learn to appreciate it either?

I am sitting here thinking about how many other women must feel this same way. How many of us are run ragged, trying to just get through the menial day to day tasks. And I have made a vow to myself...

I will always put my health, my well-being, and my soul's desires before trying to meet outward expectations that offer no real happiness.

I don't like to be financially struggling all the time, I also find it much easier to live as a creative when I'm not under financial pressure. Because of this I've come to accept that having a job in the background is essential for me right now. But I just never want to lose myself in a fast paced, technology driven world that leaves no room for digging deep and feeling life.

My mom sent me an amazing article that actually talks more about this subject of outward vs. inner life. I loved what I read there if you want to take a peek.

Enjoying the Day

Today I am 28!!! Today I feel so thankful and blessed. For my mom and the flowers she brought me first thing this morning at work. For the sweet agents at my new job that sang to me over a yummy strawberry shortcake. For all the phone calls from family and friends who love me and remembered it was my birthday. For an email from a friend in Italy, sending me this picture as a gift and as a reminder to come and visit....sooner rather than later. For the non-existent line when I went to renew my tag and the check my mom gave me to pay for it:) And it's only 4 o'clock....

Open to New Possibilities

These are from a collage on this alter I started a year ago and finally feel ready to finish...Seeing how the pictures don't do it much justice, I am going to start really concentrating on getting a great camera like a lot of you lovely bloggers have....

I think that, finally, after a long time of going back and forth, questioning myself, wondering if my heart and mind would ever agree, things are coming to an end. This will leave me again, on a new path. Starting fresh. A new me. Or rather, the old me, just with a fresh new perspective on self-love and never being dependent on another's judgement of who I am. Because I make mistakes, I fall, but I want to learn from them. I want to grow. And I want to love the person I am in the moment, whether another loves me or not.

Being that my birthday is in 2 days, I am still trying to remember to treat myself for this M.O.M (month of me!). I have taken time to sew with my mom, my first time ever...and a very messy experience. The sewing machine was not being nice to my fingers. But, it was fun and relaxing. I have been going to the gym and doing long workouts where I can feel my body stretching, growing stronger. This weekend I plan on taking time to stroll old junk stores for papers and scraps to collage with. Hopefully with my new freedom, I'll actually take the time to travel myself and be able to bring back treasures to use in my work. I am going to buy myself a new CD and browse the bookstore for a yummy new book to read. (any wonderful books out there that any of you have read??)

Everything Changes

I could use a hug today.
I would like to hear the words from him, it'll be okay.
It will all work out in the end, and I am here for you.
But instead, I feel worse around him.
I feel like I am sabotaging myself.
How stupid could I be?

Defining My Goals

I have been trying so hard to actually DEFINE my goals. Put them on paper. Take the first step. I honestly feel like I have known all along what I am supposed to be doing and instead I do everything I can possibly do to stand in the way of myself. Last night I fell asleep reading this book on following your dreams. The part about having to leave our comfort zone for our dreams to actually become reality really resonated with me. I may not be happy where I am at, but I am comfortable. Stepping outside of the comfort of just talking, planning, or dreaming is such a challenge for me. I think at this point I might actually need to seek the advice of a life coach, someone to look at my goals objectively and help me to attain them by setting me in motion.

When I listen to my intuition it tells me, make your art your life....live a creative life. Yet, I hear and want that, but I try to follow the money so that I can support the art. And at the end of the day, neither is working out. I think at 27 years old I am just now realizing that my dreams won't just magically happen for me. I have to put in hard work...So my time outside of my regular unfulfilling job has to be used wisely and not just for social time or I won't get anywhere creatively.

Through this process I have tried to be kind to myself. Do the things that make me happy and keep my spirit uplifted. I have been mindful of this month of me inspired by this blogger.

Monday*I went to a birthday dinner for one of my closest and best friends...at this divine restaurant.... It was so nice to meet new people, not to have to talk about the daily grind of problems, but just to enjoy conversation. Not forgetting the amazing tomato, avocado & basil salad with organic citrus greens and a cayenne ranch drizzle *yum*

Tuesday*I had to have an epidural block injection at the pain clinic for my back. The third and final one to ease my back pain. Instead of coming home and trying to go against the doctor's orders by working, I crawled into bed. I slept a peaceful and dreamy sleep late into the afternoon. Last night I went to see the movie Fracture, the main motivator being yummy Ryan Gosling.

Today* Instead of rushing out of the house without food I stopped and made myself a delicious smoothie. I also got a pedicure and manicure because I love the feeling of perfectly painted fingers and toes! For lunch, I took a study break and made myself a salad with feta and whole wheat couscous. I will get to bed early tonight so I am fully rested for my state exam tomorrow. wish me luck

Bits of Bliss

spent time with this yummy baby. eating toes and such.



took some pictures of the tiny cupcakes I love to make these days.




had yummy dinner at a cute place over looking this other cute place with this dear friend.

slept in late...woke up feeling refreshed:)

If I can't follow my bliss in the big ways quite yet, then I can at least stop to see the bliss in each day.

May Flowers

I have decided I will join this sweet blogger as May is my birthday month too. I will treat myself each day of the month to all the happy, yummy, delicious bits of life I love so much. I will spend time creating. I will spend time in deep thought, not stressed about to-do lists. I will take a bikrim yoga class and sweat out some emotions. I got an invitation from a cute little girl who came to my work today. She asked me to please come to her birthday party, her christmas eve night, and her friendship house. I will keep company with sweet babies and toddlers I love. I will get a pedicure and go the salon for a hair treatment. I will not be sad for what I don't have, but instead express gratitude for the experiences I have had, the people I love, and the things I do have in my life. I'll post updates on all the pampering and celebrating!

A Little Bored

And a lot overwhelmed, so I decided to do this meme I read on one of my favorite and inspiring blogs...


Are your parents married or divorced?
Married 32 years

Do you believe in heaven?
Yes, very much so.

Have you ever come close to dying?
No

What jewellery do you wear 24/7?
My Adina bracelet

Do you eat the stems of broccoli?
That's my favorite part

Do you wear makeup?
Yes, I am a product addict

Would you ever have plastic surgery?
Yes

What do you wear to bed?
Underwear, full backs only

Have you ever done anything illegal?
Yes.

Can you roll your tongue?
No, but I can kind of bend it

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend?
Um, I guess

Do you believe in abortions?
No

What is your hair colour?
Dark Brown, with highlights that are um lots of colors only you really can't see them

Future child’s name, boy and girl?
I don't know anymore, I'll have to wait until the time comes

Do you smoke?
No

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be?
India, Morocco, Spain, Mexico...

Do you sleep with stuffed animals?
Yes, a puppy

If you won the lottery, what would you do first?
Pay off everything and run away to one of the above countries

Gold or Silver?
Silver.

Hamburger or hot dog?
Ick.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be?
Strawberries

City, beach or country?
Beach

What was the last thing you touched?
My green tea cup

When’s the last time you cried?
Still teary eyed right now

What colour are your pants?
I am in a towel

Ever been involved with the police?
Yes, for tickets and things

What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap?
Ojon, super yummy Brazilian nut shampoo and conditioner

Do you talk in your sleep?
Sometimes I yell

Ocean or pool?
Pool for laying out and swimming, Ocean for walking near and looking at

What’s your favourite song at the moment?
Against All Odds, The Postal Service

Have you ever had a cavity?
Sadly, yes

Window seat or aisle seats?
Window

Ever met anyone famous?
I don't think I have. Oh wait, the guy from Party of Five...what was his name?

Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?
I feel that I am taking the baby steps to be on my way to one

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it?
Cut it

Are you self-conscious?
I am, when I am in company that I don't feel safe with

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance?
No, I haven't

Last gift you received?
A saint bracelet Stephanie got for me in Spain

What occasion did you receive your gift?
Just because she loves me and new I wanted one

Last thing you spent lots of money on?
Kinerase face cream

Where do you live?
Cumming, GA with the cows and I hope to move soon. oh so soon.

Last wedding attended?
Kevin and Beth's, friend's of my boyfriends.

Favourite restaurant?
Pura Vida

What is your favourite kind of car?
Um, I don't really like cars

What’s your least favourite chore(s)?
Mopping the floors

Favourite drink?
Water with lemon

So Thankful For...

Another day with this sweet boy...His smile, funny sounds, and cuddles always refresh me.



A helping hand from my very sweet mom. Always there to support me in whatever way she can, no matter what.